GOD HATES ME

I never had it good. Sometimes I question God...who am I kidding? I question God all the time. Maybe its my destiny but I'm tired. How do I end this?
My name's Elizabeth. I'll be 24 in August. I grew up in the scruffiest part of Keffi, Nassarawa State. We never had it good I tell you. I'm the 2nd child and 1st daughter out of 8 children. But we've never been less than 15 living in our house. My dad (a retired sick policeman) had a wife who passed away long before I was born. She had 3 kids. I was told she died during childbirth. Often we get visited by cousins who were poorer than us. 24 years of my life and my family has never fed thrice a day. Fish was a luxury we couldn't afford even on Christmas day. I remember one time on Christmas eve, my mum didn't want anyone to know we didn't have nothing to cook for the celebration but we also wanted to avoid more mockery from our neighbors so we went into the kitchen, set our pot on fire, poured little palm oil in it & let it burn out so that they could perceive it and let us be.
I attended government schools all my life. Graduated with a great waec result of course because I knew nobody was going to give me another chance.
We moved to Jos in 2010. Squatted in a room and parlor (11 of us). Dad got a small land and we all built on it together. Dad and my cousins made the foundation. Mum took us to lakes to fetch mud which we moulded into bricks for the house. Only the foundation was built with concrete blocks. After 8 months we finally had a house. It was a three bedroom and a parlor. We didn't care if we bathed or cooked outside... Its still a house. Till date its unpainted.
We had to survive. Dad's health was sapping our little finance. Mum became a nanny, my younger brother pushed water in trucks after school, my elder brother learned how to make sandals, I cleaned in a poultry close to the house.

I worked mornings and evenings. I picked eggs in the mornings and cleaned/fed the birds in the evenings. I was earning N3,000 but it didn't matter after all most times I get gifts of kindness from my boss (cracked eggs and dead chickens).
  Her son came back from the university and assisted his mum in sales. He was in his second year when we met. He was nice to an extent. He made me feel good. Heaven smiled on me when he stayed extra months at home due to ASUU strike. He was my solace. He fed me, I began to add weight, he bought me stuffs. It was through him I had my first taste of meat pie and yogurt. These things were strange to me.
Then he said he wanted to take it to another level and we started having sex. I saw nothing wrong with that. I found something that took my thoughts away from the sufferings of my family.
  The strike was becoming too long and Ikechukwu's father made a way for him to go meet him in Canada. He told me he'd be gone for 5 years but it all got worse when his mum (my boss) started selling off all her chickens at a very cheap rate. I found out they were relocating... OMG! I LOST HIM AND I LOST MY JOB

11th February 2011... The day I found out I was pregnant.
Momma cried so much in hopelessness. I felt bad for her. I felt bad for myself. I felt bad about life and how it hated me this much. Nothing could be done. I had to keep it. At this point we were about 13 at home still eating once or twice a day and here I was with an extra mouth to feed.
My younger brother was the only one that understood my huge appetite. He'd climb trees just to get mangoes and cashews for me to satisfy myself. Before my son was born, he lost an eye.
2012 was as terrible as 2013. In 2014, I got a sales job in Abuja. I slept in the shop since I was the last to lock up for the day. I did this for few months before a colleague found out and decided to help. I earned N12,000 monthly. I sent N7000 to my family, assisted my friend and her family with N2000 and survived off the rest. It was hard but I had to do it.
I've been working here for two years now. So far I've not made any tangible results from my life. I have met men who offered to send me to school only to force their bodies on me. Everyone seems to have a motive. It gets harder everyday I swear. Now I'm attending evening lessons hoping to write JAMB and get into school at all cost. So I thought till I got a better offer; a man wants to work my way to an Arabic country. He said all I need do is play with men and make my family rich. I think I should take this. I do want this but my conscience won't let me. I have now till April to take this offer.
Dad is dying, mum looks way older than she should be, my brothers are nothing, my younger sisters are still going through the pains of government school. Even if I gain admission, who will see me through? I don't want my sisters to end up like me. I just want to bear the shame, struggles and pain for my family.

It gets real hard I tell you!